Digital wellbeing
What if your teen's behaviour is telling you something else?
On anger, screen use and what may lie beneath behaviour
A father and his son came to counselling together. The father said things had been difficult at home for some time. His son was getting angry more often. Conversations regularly ended in arguments. Agreements were not kept, and when his father tried to guide him, he often got an angry response. There were also many conflicts about gaming. The father was worried. He wondered how things had reached this point. From his perspective, the problem seemed to lie mainly in his son's behaviour. But when the boy was given space to tell his story, another perspective emerged.
There is often a story behind behaviour
The boy said he had often felt alone over the past few years. That he found it difficult to trust people. That he regularly felt adults made decisions about him without really listening to him.
He spoke about changes in his life over which he had had little control. About friendships that had changed. About times when he felt he did not quite belong. And about how difficult it was to explain what all of that did to him.
Gradually, a belief had taken hold: “If I let people get too close, they'll only let me down in the end.”
He did not say that when he got angry. He did not say it when he cut off an argument or withdrew. But it did help to see his behaviour from another perspective.
His father saw a boy who was pushing back. The boy felt he constantly had to defend what mattered to him. His father saw stubbornness. The boy felt a strong need to make his own decisions. His father saw anger. The boy struggled to put into words what lay beneath that anger.
We see the behaviour, but not always the story behind it
This is something I often encounter in conversations with parents. We see what a young person does. But we do not always see what came before it.
A teenager who withdraws may seem uninterested. But perhaps they are afraid of being let down again. A young person who constantly argues may seem stubborn. But perhaps having autonomy is especially important to them right now. A young person who says “I don't care” may seem indifferent. But perhaps that is a way to protect themselves from disappointment. And sometimes behind anger is a feeling a young person cannot yet put into words.
Of course, that does not mean behaviour does not need boundaries. Name-calling is not okay. Ignoring agreements is not okay. Hurting others is not okay.
But alongside the question “How do we stop this behaviour?” there is sometimes another question that matters just as much: “What is this behaviour telling us?”
And then there are screens
In conflicts about smartphones, gaming and social media, the conversation often quickly turns to behaviour too. “All he does is game.” “She's constantly on her phone.” “When I ask him to stop, he gets angry straight away.”
These are familiar concerns. But sometimes the screen is not the whole problem. Then it can be worth exploring: What makes this screen so important right now?
Perhaps it is a place where a young person feels successful. Perhaps gaming helps them relax after a difficult day at school. Perhaps social media is an important way to keep in touch with friends. Perhaps being online gives them a sense of belonging. Or perhaps the screen offers a distraction when feelings are hard to bear.
This does not mean that every instance of heavy screen use points to an underlying problem. Digital media are simply an important part of young people's social lives today too.
But when screen use repeatedly leads to major conflicts, it can help to look not only at how long a young person is online, but also at what that digital world means to them.
Understand first, then set boundaries
When conflicts keep repeating, it is understandable that parents try more rules. More agreements. More consequences. More explanations. Sometimes that is needed. But sometimes something else is needed first: curiosity.
What is happening for my child? What makes them react so strongly to this? Where are they looking for connection? Where do they feel unsure? And perhaps also: “What is my child trying to tell me without having the words for it?”
That does not mean parents have to approve of everything. A young person needs boundaries. But boundaries and connection do not have to be opposites.
You can say: “I understand that you're angry. And we're still not going to call each other names.” Or: “I understand that you'd like to keep gaming. And the agreement still stands that the computer goes off now.”
Understanding is not the same as approving. Setting boundaries is not the same as pulling away. What matters is that a young person can feel: “My parent sees my behaviour, but they also see me.”
The question behind the question
When a conflict with your teen escalates again, it can help to pause for a moment. Not only to ask: “How do I make this behaviour stop?” But also: “What might my child be trying to tell me right now?”
Not every behaviour has a hidden meaning. Sometimes a phone is just a phone, and a messy room is just a messy room.
But when a certain behaviour keeps repeating or leads to the same conflicts again and again, it can be valuable to look beyond what is visible on the surface.
Because behind the behaviour is a young person. A young person with their own needs, emotions, insecurities, relationships and experiences.
And sometimes change does not begin with a stricter rule or a better argument. Sometimes it begins with a different question: “I see what you're doing. But I also want to understand what's happening for you.” “The story above is based on themes I encounter in my practice. It is a composite and adapted story; recognisable elements from different situations have been combined.” That makes the intention clear without losing the therapeutic message.